That is literally not happening

When I shut my eyes and think of the England captain, I see her pouting in a nice coat.

To Earps is human

No one stood to gain by protecting Mary from her fatal flaw.

The one thing worse than Man Utd

Thinking about it, I never really lost sleep over that third-in-a-row Premier League title.

Sorry Aitana, I'm not buying

The disrespect which continues to be shown to women's football teams in the year of our lord 2025 is not even the greatest injustice which Bonmatí has ever suffered.

Advice to Fellow Leisure-Seekers

Just be nice, OK, and try to enjoy yourself.

England, and the Brown Squish to Victory

England’s EURO 2025 final win was a TV show which tasted like the feeling of pizza.

Fear and Loathing in Switzerland

Sarina Wiegman can go bigger than a moderate relaxant this time.

Play until you can't

Lucy Bronze embodies the spirit which this England team are self-consciously touting at this tournament – doing it on your own terms.

Elena Linari should tip her barber

Ada Hegerberg seemed shooketh by the partial shave.