Route 1 Redemption

By comparison to the France horror show, the modest 1-0 win over Haiti with which the Lionesses began their FIFA Women’s World Cup campaign in 2023 was triumphant.

But then, English imperialist indignation that we, the European Champions, had not flattened this small country (and were therefore in crisis) dictated that Georgia Stanway be sent out in front of the cameras to tell the whole country to “relax”.

“We’ll continue to Lioness,” she promised.

And Lioness they did, overcoming the unstabling prospect of an England team without Keira Walsh to take a clean sweep of Group D and enjoy a Lauren James inspired flattening of China, instead.

With no combination of soothing words could Georgia Stanway unblot England’s Group D copybook this time around, but the Cumbrian Calmer was again wheeled out this week to slather aloe vera on the stinging slap which France left on England’s left cheek on Saturday.

“I’m fed up of talking now,” the media were told by a business-meaning Stanway, who gave one of more memorable performances against Les Bleues — in a bad way.

The Lionesses would say everything they needed to say on the pitch, she assured us, and this time it’ll be “proper England”.

I don’t know if all fans knew what that meant but I imagine that fans liked hearing it anyway. This fan wanted professional football players doing their job properly, making sure their 10-yard passes made it to the feet of their target. It’s not a lofty ambition but it was a good place to start.

But instead of getting better at something they were doing badly, England chose a new tactic — pinging it long for Lauren Hemp to dance around Dutch full back Kerstin Casparij, like she has hundreds of times before on the Man City training ground.

England were going back to their roots, taking Hannah Hampton back to a vintage era of goalkeeping as they went. If route one is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

You do wonder how it’d all have panned out, if England had had the goal they might have deserved from a front-foot start against France. For the Lionesses to get the rightful lead against the Netherlands was a relief — but to have the new ‘keeper sending our quality no. 9 through from range and a without-equal-on-her-day baller put the cherry on top with a sexy finish? Excuse my excitement, but it felt era-defining.

Stanway harked back to former joys with England’s second goal, the proper kind of strike that settles nerves and sent Spain packing, once upon a time.

Given the chance at the start of the game, I would’ve seized a repeat of the narrow 1-0 victory which we all despised back in Brisbane, but by the time Sarina Wiegman was protesting the offside call which denied Alessia Russo a goal, shouting from the sidelines — my hunger was back.

Wiegman wanted to see the Netherlands absolutely trashed as much as I did — and she’s Dutch.

If anyone was going to seal their humiliation, it would be Lauren James, weaving silk between the Lowlanders’ hapless, outstretched legs. It was apparent to me at half time that James would score again. That Ella Toone would so embarrass herself in the process was less expected.

Again, it was Hampton kickstarting a proper English assault on poor Daphne van Domselaar’s goal with a long forward ball which eventually fell pleasingly at Toone‘s feet.

Winning Player of the Match after scoring a brace during England’s statement 7-0 send-off win against Jamaica, the Mancunian was set to have a fantastic tournament — her first without her dad, whom she lost to cancer in September. In the France game, though, Wiegman opted to unleash the chaos of Lauren James in her stead.

It didn’t work. France ruthlessly and repeatedly punished an unsteady midfield.

Wiegman’s solution? Push chaos further upfield with a Lauren on each flank, and install the in-form Toone in a more chilled out midfield.

It felt apt, somehow, in the 59th minute when it was Toone’s chaos which made way for James to stroke sensibly home, claiming the spills from Toone’s 8-yard shot which was laughably wayward.

It was nice that the pair could laugh about it as they celebrated LJ’s second goal, and it was even nicer that a few minutes later Russo picked out her bestie on the edge of the area to give Toone another go. She wouldn’t miss twice and she dedicated the goal to her dad. 4-0 England.

So how are fans supposed to feel after trouncing a respected-but-on-the-day-dire team? Perhaps we should ask France.

The historic pedigree of the Netherlands flatters this result. Put these lot in Wales shirts and we’d have been simply saying “job well done”. Instead the headlines are telling me that our title defence is back on track.

I can’t unsee what I saw in that first game against France — but, on the other hand, I have seen it. Do those following the likes of Germany and Spain know what two-left-footed skeletons their beloved teams may bring out of the closet when faced with challenging opponents?

At least England’s crisis happened at a stage of the tournament when Georgia Stanway still had the power to talk us all round.