Elena Linari should tip her barber

From just the opening two minutes of the quarter-final between two-time EURO finalists Italy and Norway, who have been in a final six times — and won the thing on two of those occasions — the wisdom of rearranging my evening to accommodate this fixture was in doubt. Historic honours do not an entertaining encounter make, it seems.

Instead of hunting the win, all 22 players were protecting themselves from the off, and I could see why — even if they had the desire to abandon conversativism and have a proper go, it didn’t appear either side had a confident plan of how they would do that. 

It made me appreciate the fluidity of the Lionesses, the automation of their link ups.

Italy had some joy putting balls through to forwards in the box, but none of them had the ball skills to grab the thing and yeet it goalward.

I spent much of the first half watching centre backs push the ball awkwardly between them, watching wayward passes from behind my hands. 

It was not blockbuster football, but it was amusing in its own way. The peak of the comedy was watching two Italian attackers attempt to head the same ball when a quality ball was finally delivered into the box. I had been disappointed that I hadn’t caught as many of the group stage games as I had wanted to — but if this is what I had been missing, then oh well. It’s got me thinking how great an honour it is to win such a competition, when the variety in quality remains so stark. 

But it was the lack of confidence and desire, over and above the quality, which made the first half such a poor watch. I begged someone to score, to inspire a reaction, to make something happen.

Fortunately Italy supplied a gear shift soon after half time, going 1-0 up thanks to 35-year-old Cristiana Girelli.

The comedy football continued, to my delight and despair, but now there was a game, and players eager to come out and give it a go.

Enter Stéphanie Frappart, the French boss bitch tasked with keeping this knockout circus in check. My Dad is always blasting off about players man-handling each other. Particularly Leeds United defender Liam Cooper, a repeat offender. Yes, it’s a contact sport, but no one steps out onto a football pitch hoping to have their nipples rearranged while attacking a corner. So often you see this kind of malarkey go completely unchallenged — unfair for forwards, and unfair for the spectators who have showed up to see goals, and players moving unencumbered.

Having been the first female referee to meet several milestones — including reffing at a men’s World Cup — Stéphanie Frappart was confident to call out some unholy nipple-swapping efforts by Italian defender Elena Linari, comfortably the most frightening looking player on the pitch.

You don’t smash the glass ceiling only to cower at the sight of an undercut.

Norwegian talisman Ada Hegerberg, however, seemed shooketh by the partial shave, and had the look of someone who was about to miss a penalty as she stepped up to miss the opportunity to level the tie for her country.  

But, like her fringe, she plaited her self-criticism tightly to one side and delivered the equaliser from open play, instead, seating two Italian defenders in unison, their failed efforts to clear the trickling ball off the line forming the most elegant duet since Verdi’s La Traviata.

At this stage, with Hegerberg’s whiplash-inducing hero journey complete and the scores level, it was surely Norway’s moment to seize the tie and seal a date with England or Sweden. 

And yet… the comedy football continued. This nation boasts the likes of Barcelona star Caroline Graham Hansen and Arsenal’s Frida Maanum — all heroes at club level, but apparently without a clue on the international stage. For all my Wales-shagging in my previous newsletter, I have to question what Welsh Norway manager Gemma Grainger did to neuter this talent-packed squad.

That it should be six-time Women’s Super League champion Guro Reiten whose sloppy defending cost them the game was yet more shocking.

Norway were weakly in charge of things after scoring their equaliser, creating nothing with all of the ball. One stray attack by Italy was it all it took to decide the match, Granger’s decision to place Reiten out of position at left back looking like a wrong’n as Reiten’s player Girelli was left unmarked to nod home an otherwise fairly innocuous cross in the 90th minute.

It was a surprising and entertaining end to a game I couldn’t fathom watching another 30 minutes of.

Italy will need all the legs they can get when they face Sweden or England on Tuesday.